Vocal Anorexia

This article was written by me last year, but I have decided to reprint it here for your comments! So comment, already!

We know what Anorexia looks like, right? A 5'4" woman, weighing 80 lbs. will stand in front of a mirror gazing at her image and will see FAT! To her eyes, as she stands in front of the mirror, examining every inch of her body, her body weighs 250 lbs.

Anyone else; yes, ANYONE ELSE sees the reality of her weight which is 80 lbs. Her skeleton is clearly observed below the skin surface, which has such little mass, that to the objective observer, this woman appears malnourished and maybe even close to dying.

The only conclusion that can be drawn is that this woman is seeing a distorted image her body that no one else, I mean NO ONE ELSE sees. And that's her illness!

The cure, if there is one, is several weeks in an institution where the "patient" is taught to rely on AND TRUST what OTHERS are seeing, and not on his/her own reflection in a mirror. Once the patient is able to understand that her view of her body is not real, but distorted, then she starts to see herself through the objective eyes of those around her who are telling her the truth...the truth that she has not been able to see... that she weighs 80 lbs., not 250.
Well, how does this relate to what I call "Vocal Anorexia"?

"Vocal Anorexia" is a condition where a singer will hear the sounds that emit when he/she sings a song that NO ONE ELSE hears.

Take the case of the people who audition for American Idol.
They will sing...badly...excruciatingly AWFUL.

Simon will say, "Do you think that was good?", and they will reply, "Yes! I was great!"
But they were about as terrible as they could be. What's going on? The person is hearing something that is not real; sounds that objective listeners hear as unpleasant and even painful to hear. The only person who does not hear how bad it is is the person singing. And that's an illusion.

It takes hours, months, maybe even years of ear training for a person with this affliction to improve their singing. And I know this because I've had students like this in my studio, and believe me, they CANNOT hear how bad they sound. They remain under an illusion that they sound great...a false illusion!

By the same token, I have encountered numerous singers who will sing a song, and sound exquisite, simply wonderful. The vocal tone, the expression of the lyric, the entire performance could make one melt, but to the singer's ear, it sounds frightfully horrendous. If this singer is told how wonderful he/she sounds, it translates in the singer's brain as, "They're just being nice", or "They didn't hear all the mistakes, so they don't know".

The same inability of the anorexic patient to SEE what is plain as day to an objective eye is apparent here as the anorexic singer cannot HEAR what is clearly beautiful to the objective listener. And the cure, if there is one, is for the anorexic singer to hear him/herself through OTHERS' ears and not his/her own.

This takes discipline and a continuous inner conversation where the singer must repeat often,
"What I am hearing is not real. I will not judge my singing or rely on my own listening for it is flawed by my condition."

This is what Martha Graham was saying to her student, Agnes DeMille in her letter, and although I have referred to that letter many many times, it bears repeating here once again.
Agnes DeMille, for those of you who do not know, was the choreographer for the first Broadway production of "Oklahoma". She became so critical of her own work that she almost quit, but instead wrote to her mentor, Martha Graham, for some advice. And this is an excerpt of the note she got back. I strongly recommend that you read it SLOWLY, making sure you understand every word, especially if you feel that you may be one of those who suffer from vocal anorexia.

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

As always, your comments, positive or negative are welcome, singers!